Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Team of Surgeons Mull Conscience Transplant for Vincennes, Indiana Plagiarist




Of all the earlier pieces of investigative articles I've published on David Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana, this piece got the most reaction.  Except from Oprah, who never returned my emails or calls, but did send me a coupon for the new chain of restaurants she's opening in Egypt.


The research behind this article gave me the idea for the book in progress "American Sleaze."   And it led me to a source who was more than willing to dish out details on David Boyer and his seedy plagiaries. I'll post segments of these shocking interviews over the next few weeks, and they form the thematic backdrop of the new book.


Here's the investigative piece that started my wheels turning:


*****


Las Vegas oddsmakers are giving odds of 20:1 against the notorious plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana accepting a remarkable offer from the Arkham College of Neurosurgeons to attempt the world's first Conscience Transplant.

Dr. F. Lobe urged Mr. Boyer to accept the offer.

"What's to lose?" she said.  "Talk to the man's victims- he's done nothing for them, not even admit publicly that he plagiarized them.  So I'm saying to him, like a doctor and a good mother- get a conscience, even a little one can't hurt."

Finding a conscience donor, however, could be tricky.  He will need a real conscience, one from someone recognized for their integrity, to balance his morality deficit.  Scientist Sarah Bellum, PhD points out that Boyer's brain currently registers negative on the conscience scale.  "Of course," she admits, "I've only scanned him from a distance.  I didn't want to get too close in case he felt tempted to steal my doctoral thesis."

This reporter contacted the Ghandi Institute in India, since the headquarters in Pontiac, MI did not return our phone calls.

"Ghandhi's dead,"  said Rasheej Gukathason, the security guard who answered the phone.  (time differences can be very tricky, even for an investigative journalist).  "His conscience is gone someplace.  Who knows where?  Don't ask me, I'm just the security guard."

"Where does the conscience go after death?" I asked.

A burst of solar radiation most likely was the cause of the dial tone that followed my question.

I later contacted a mysterious man known only as "The Donor Hunter," and he suggested that Donor Consciences could be purchased if you knew the right people.  "Charlie Sheen, for example," he said.  "He used to have a conscience, but he's not using it now.  Maybe for bond money he'll sell it if you have enough cash.  Or go to politicians.  They have absolutely no use for them.  And some of them lie better than Boyer so it would be a good match.  And they always swear they've done nothing wrong, just like he does."

"So his brain won't reject the conscience in question if it comes from an out of control actor or a sleazy politician?"

"Exactly," said the Donor Hunter.

"But then he'll still suffer from Conscience-Deficit Syndrome," I pointed out.

The Donor Hunter's mouth dropped open.

"You thought he was going to change?"  I asked.

"What was I thinking?" he wondered.

4 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Hilarious!

Rick said...

Reality is funnier than fiction, Alex.

Neurotic Workaholic said...

Since Oprah sent you a coupon for her restaurants in Egypt, she should also send you a free plane ticket so that you could go to Egypt. If she gave me a free trip to a foreign country, I'd probably start jumping up and down and screaming like her audience does during her shows when she gives them gifts.

Rick said...

You're right, NA! I'm calling her back and we can jump up and down and scream together!