Japanese Writer Terrified of Boyerzilla
To get myself into the mood for really digging into the fact based, hard charging journalist mood of finishing the book "Indiana Sleaze," I went through a few of my earlier articles about the sleazy serial plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana. I was surprised to find that I'd missed the international ramifications of his plagiarisms. By the time I was done reading my own work, I was seriously fired up, pulled out my press pass (yes, I have one), shined it til the reflection burned a hole in the wall and got working. I am finishing the last of the 75 inquiries I've penned to officials in his home town, 74 of which have the same last name.
While I finish the last letter, read the facts below and you'll see why all of Japan is in mortal terror of Boyerzilla.
According to early reports, Japanese fiction writers were so terrified of Boyerzilla that they were forced to conceal Mothra, Rhodan and even the mighty Godzilla in undisclosed theme parks and Putt-Putt golf courses scattered throughout the Land of the Rising Sun. The initial effort did turn out well due to size restrictions (it's hard to hide a giant moth under a windmill). It was not until Minister of Literacy Ichiro Murakami conceived of hiding these three greatest of all Japanese superheroes in an exhibit called "Land of the Giants" that the general reading public was able to breathe a sigh of relief.
Hoping for another Boyergate scoop, I Skyped Minister Murakami.
"Hello," I said. "Can you both see and hear me?"
"What are you selling?" replied the Minister. "I already have insurance."
I sensed a certain level of frustration in his voice.
"I'm a reporter," I said, "hot on the trail of breaking news stories that concern David Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana."
"I have no time for reporters. Writers are rioting in the streets. There is looting here. When rumors started that the cow-tongued plagiarist David Boyer had grown to such monstrous proportions he was looking overseas for things to steal, the whole Japanese population went mad!"
"Calm down," I told him. "I don't even think David Boyer knows where Japan is."
"How can I be calm? Mothra is not safe. Rhodan is not safe. Godzilla is not safe. Boyer is writing film scripts so bad his cats use them for litter. Soon he'll start stealing our film scripts and putting his name on them. If he claims he wrote the script for the movie "Godzilla," our whole nation will jump into the sea. Godzilla is Japanese. Mothra and Rhodan are Japanese. We live through a tidal wave and a nuclear meltdown only to have to worry about Boyerzilla stealing our stuff?!"
"Minister," I cautioned, "Boyer can't read Japanese so he's not likely to plagiarize Japanese Godzilla movies."
His image waivered as he shouted and banged his fist on the table.
"He can't write in American, but he plagiarizes Americans. What do you say to that?"
Sure, bring that up.
"He lives in Vincennes, Indiana and he plagiarizes Vincennes writers!"
"I have to admit that sounds bad," I said.
"He claims to be Christian, but he plagiarizes Christian writers!"
I had to turn down the volume on my computer speakers- they were starting to vibrate.
"But Minister Murakami- " I said, but he cut me off before I could complete my sentence.
"No buts!!! He likes monster movies. Our monsters are the best. He plagiarized Dean Koontz, why wouldn't he plagiarize Godzilla?"
"Godzilla didn't write the movie scripts, Minister, He's just a monster-actor. So Boyer wouldn't technically be plagiarizing Godzilla himself."
The icy stare he gave me through my computer screen was so cold I shivered.
"You mean Godzilla is a film writer?"
"Wow," I said. "There's a movie script in this."
I know I shouldn't have said that because it made him so mad he spit on his webcam. It looked like a giant mucous meteorite hurtling at me. Then he clicked off without a word.
Hmmm.... Boyerzilla versus the Giant Mucous Meteorite.
There's a movie script in that.
To preserve my journalistic integrity, I gave myself written permission to reprint the above article.