Wednesday, March 28, 2012
She's Too Grossed Out to Read and It's My Fault
The call came late last night.
Never sleep with your cell phone near your bed when trying to finish a good dream.
"My daughter won't come out of the closet, you creep. That sleaze David Boyer's still at it and now she's too grossed out to read. Thinks Boyer plagiarized Doctor Seuss. What are you going to do about it?"
I sat straight up in bed. It was happening all over again.
"Ma'am," I said, "have you filed a report with the Attorney General of Indiana?"
"Fat lot of good that's done so far. Where's that book you've been working on about serial plagiarists if you're so smart?"
I slid into my jeans, turned on the light and saw they were on backward. It's important to label your clothes "Front" and "Back" if you're an emergency plagiary responder. I made a mental note.
"Sorry about the delay. I was looking for a new title due to recent events. Plagiarism is so widespread now I thought I'd call it American Sleaze instead of Indiana Sleaze."
"What kind of plagiary reporter are you?" she asked. "You take nine months on a new title? I gave birth to two kids in nine months."
She had me there. In my defense, I'd finished two novels and was closing in on a third. Besides I was giving the Assistant Attorney General of Indiana a little maneuvering room. And I'd been working on the alien/Boyer connection, but the government's denying everything. That's how I knew I was on to something.
"Well?" she snapped. "How many kids too grossed out to read is it going to take for you to finish that book exposing creeps like David Boyer?"
"Ma'am, I'm not the plagiary police."
"You got the rest of us writers stirred up- you better be something."
"I'm a good investigative reporter," I said. "Maybe I could put those skills to use."
It's true. I claim full responsibility for covering Bigfoot's march to Vincennes, Indiana to howl at Boyer.
"Then finish that book! At least you'll expose him."
I took a deep breath.
"I'll do it," I said. "You're right. I got everybody stirred up- time to finish the job."
"Put your pants on straight first," she said and hung up.
Before I did that, I got some duct tape and stuck it over the camera lens on my cellphone.