Saturday, March 10, 2012
Aliens Write Better Love Scenes
Intergalacticians are famous for their hot, steamy, romantic scenes. Before earth writers got hold of the script and changed it, "The Day the Earth Stood Still" was so humid alien movie goers were issued raincoats at the doors of their favorite floating theaters. By the time it got to earth, it was a cure for sleep apnea.
What's happened to earth writers?
Scientist bored with global warming and unable to grasp the complexities of lunar cooling are now hoping to acquire substantive federal grant money to study this issue.
"There's a fortune in figuring this out," said Dr. Itis of Buffalo Wings University. "Our initial double blind survey on why American writers turned tepid revealed an obsession with tropes, themes and stereotypes."
This reporter likes to record details accurately, so I delved further.
"Doctor, what exactly is a double blind study?"
He looked at me incredulously.
"Why, it's where twelve blind researchers record their observations and report them to twelve more blind researchers. All twenty four researchers then deliver the report to the supervising scientists, or, if they lose it, something of approximately the same weight."
"Aha," I said.
"American writers crank out the same stuff over and over again. Our most recent survey revealed that they're afraid of originality. Terrified of it, actually. They feel there's risk involved and American writers don't like risk. That's why aliens write better love scenes. Many of them lack genitalia and are therefore not bound by our preconceptions."
"No genitalia?" I gasped.
"Besides the element of risk, why are American writers so afraid of originality?"
This was the moment of truth. He actually straightened his crisp white lab coat and raised his chin before he spoke.
"They've been to so many writing workshops and group critiques they haven't had time to wonder what originality is. The modern American writer is very busy with such activities and has little time to be creative."
I took a step closer.
"Are you certain of this doctor?"
Dr. Itis leaned toward me and whispered, "Absolutely. I chumped the U.S. government for $180,000 to conduct the study."
Now that, I thought, is real originality.