Saturday, March 10, 2012

Aliens Write Better Love Scenes




It's true.

Intergalacticians are famous for their hot, steamy, romantic scenes.  Before earth writers got hold of the script and changed it, "The Day the Earth Stood Still" was so humid alien movie goers were issued raincoats at the doors of their favorite floating theaters.  By the time it got to earth, it was a cure for sleep apnea.

What's happened to earth writers?

Scientist bored with global warming and unable to grasp the complexities of lunar cooling are now hoping to acquire substantive federal grant money to study this issue.

"There's a fortune in figuring this out," said Dr. Itis of Buffalo Wings University.  "Our initial double blind survey on why American writers turned tepid revealed an obsession with tropes, themes and stereotypes."

This reporter likes to record details accurately, so I delved further.

"Doctor, what exactly is a double blind study?"

He looked at me incredulously.

"Why, it's where twelve blind researchers record their observations and report them to twelve more blind researchers.  All twenty four researchers then deliver the report to the supervising scientists, or, if they lose it, something of approximately the same weight."

"Aha," I said.

"American writers crank out the same stuff over and over again.  Our most recent survey revealed that they're afraid of originality.  Terrified of it, actually.  They feel there's risk involved and American writers don't like risk.  That's why aliens write better love scenes.  Many of them lack genitalia and are therefore not bound by our preconceptions."

"No genitalia?" I gasped.

"None.

"Besides the element of risk, why are American writers so afraid of originality?"

This was the moment of truth.  He actually straightened his crisp white lab coat and raised his chin before he spoke.

"They've been to so many writing workshops and group critiques they haven't had time to wonder what originality is.  The modern American writer is very busy with such activities and has little time to be creative."

I took a step closer.

"Are you certain of this doctor?"

Dr. Itis leaned toward me and whispered,  "Absolutely.  I chumped the U.S. government for $180,000 to conduct the study."

Now that, I thought, is real originality.

17 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Can't argue that movie makers keep churning out the same stuff!

Charles Gramlich said...

Makes me want to write a sex scene just to prove this wrong. :)

Rick said...

Kind of like a kinetic cookie cutter, Alex.

Rick said...

Go ahead, Charles. We all dare you. The planet Xyron dares you.

BernardL said...

"They've been to so many writing workshops and group critiques they haven't had time to wonder what originality is. The modern American writer is very busy with such activities and has little time to be creative."

I like this, Rick, mostly because I believe it to be true. For the last few years, the main writing topics on many blogs concerned critique groups and 'how to write' books. I know this is probably an unpopular comparison, but I remember reading about an interviewer asking Louis Armstrong what jazz is. Louis answered, 'if you gotta ask, you'll never know'. :)

Rick said...

Bernard, I love the Armstrong quote. Well said and a great observation.

Travis Cody said...

Maybe writers need to stop figuring out how to write and just write stuff that excites them, in the way it excites them.

I know the ultimate goal is to sell a story and a writer has to understand how to do that. But all this figuring out the market and trying to write a story that fits the market sometimes seems counterproductive to actually writing a good story. That's got to contribute to the lack of originality or sense of adventure in some writing.

Rick said...

Sense of adventure- I like that, Travis!

Bonnee Crawford said...

Hahaha that was brilliant :D See, I've never been to a writer's workshop, I just crank out whatever comes to mind no matter how dirty or different it is. It's who I show after that I'm selective of :3

Rick said...

I like that approach, Bonnee! Be selective in who you show it to so it doesn't impact your originality. Nice.

Nancy said...

"Why, it's where twelve blind researchers record their observations and report them to twelve more randomly chosen blind researchers. All twenty four researchers then deliver the report or, if they lose it, something of approximately the same weight."

Ha!!!

Rick said...

Science should never, ever be laughed at, Nancy. :)

Sandi McBride said...

What's happened to earth writers is they're writing and producing commercials for Hardees Restaurants!!!

Rick said...

Between that and writing Hallmark cards, Sandi, we're all going to be in trouble.

David Cranmer said...

My thoughts follow closely Mr. Gramlich's comment. But I probably won't write one. :)

Rick said...

The aliens won't take that lying down, David. Mostly because they don't have arms to pull themselves back up.

kathrynmagendie said...

Hello - I wanted to stop by to make sure you received my reply to your email a month or so ago - I'd hate it if you thought I never answered if my reply went into your spam folder -- I answered you from a different (my private) email.

Now, on to read your post - been meaning to come by here and ask about that for -forever, and well, I'm always discombobulated! lawed.