Twitter Buys SETI

The business community telegraphed their growing belief that Regulan candidate Quintelex might just be the next president of the United States by applauding Twitter's acquisition of the SETI program.

Most political pundits have poo-poohed the Quintelex campaign, citing polls showing that the American people are not ready for a president who, although born during a short stop in the state of Kansas where his parents were attending the Crop Circle Festival, is clearly alien.

Still, Quintelex struggles on in the face of such prejudice.

By Twitter acquiring the SETI program, the trend-setting social communications company could be saying that the American people are more open to alien interface than jaded Democrats and Republicans  realize.

"But why acquire SETI?" this reporter asked the CEO of Twitter.  

He smiled indulgently at my mystification.  Later, I would wonder if "mystification" was actually a word.

"The radio signals monitored by the SETI program might contain intelligent discourse," he said gently.

I was confused.

"So you have a personal interest in the search for intelligent life among the stars?"

"In a way."

"Does this mean," I asked, "that you've been unable to find intelligent life in Twitter Tweets?"

He began to pluck at his fingernails, as though trying to torture himself.


"Have you ever tried reading Tweets day in, day out looking for something more intelligent than, 'I love the new iPhone', or 'Eminem's too old' or how many 'K's" in  Gaga?'"

I saw his point.

"There's another thing," he said.  "The EPA is changing the classification of Twitter Tweets from non-toxic household waste to HAZARDOUS.  The Surgeon General has determined that they're toxic to our brains.  That means we have to find a way to dispose of them; the EPA won't allow us to just litter the web with them anymore."

This reporter finally saw the "why."

"So you're jumping on the Quintelex campaign bandwagon to convince him to open up Space as the new electronic hazardous waste dumping ground?  Since Tweets have no redeeming social value and worse are now considered toxic, you want to get rid of them by broadcasting them into space?  And in return, you'll support his candidacy, is that it?"

He put his hand on my shoulder.

"Look," he said, "the entire universe sends us their incomprehensible white noise, why can't we send some back?  SETI's been monitoring their electronic refuse for years.  Time for them to share the pain.  We'll donate cash to Quintelex's campaign if the Regulan team will support the new law allowing us to re-locate Toxic Tweets into deep space."

"Re-locate is a polite word for 'dump,' isn't it?"

"Now you're learning," he said.

Quintelex Objects to Extraterrestrial Profiling

It's not hard to see why Quintelex is upset.

Quintelex is the first extraterrestrial entity to run as a presidential candidate in US history.

It seemed like the Regulan's entrance to the race would successfully show the American commitment to diversity and civility in political discourse.


Then Democrats and Republicans started passing out tinfoil hats to prospective voters.

"It keeps their mind control rays from fusing your neurons,"  they explained as they gave them away, never mentioning Quintelex by name.

Quintelex maintains these election year tactics are a form of profiling.  Both President Obama and Mitt Romney deny this.  President Obama claimed that giving away tin foil hats was just another "unique jobs program developed by his administration.  Someone has to make those tin foil hats," he maintained.  Republican nominee Mitt Romney would only say, "I like shiny things."

Undaunted, Quintelex's team maintains that the tinfoil hats are evidence of polarizing partisan pejorative profiling.

To see if there is any truth to this accusation, this reporter interviewed Dr. Rhebus Downthenose of the Chicago Institute of Annoying Behavior.


"Dr. Downthenose," I asked,  "is focusing on a candidate's planet of birth another form of profiling?"

"You see, you just had to ask that," he shouted and jumped up from behind his desk to double power-fist the air.  "Your kind always does."

"My kind?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, your kind.  Sit down."

He pointed at a chair across from his desk.

I sat.  My kind always did.

"So professor, is it true that the American people are profiling Quintelex just because he's an alien?  If so, does he really have a fair chance?"

"You see, this?"  he asked, holding his right index finger up in the air.  "It is known in certain parts of Detroit as a passage opener, or nose-picker.  Regulans do not have an index finger.  Quintelex therefore cannot pick his own nose.  He isn't like us."

"Why thank you, Dr. Downthenose.  I think that answers my question."

"Where's you tin-foil hat?" he demanded.


"I'll be leaving now," I said as I got up from the chair and edged back toward the door.

His eyes narrowed.


"You have to protect yourself from their mind control rays," he said in a menacing tone.


He rose from the chair slowly; a look of manic intensity flushed his pinched face.


"They bombard us with their thoughts constantly.  They take over our way of thinking.  Always displacing our thoughts with theirs.  You can't hide from them."

I closed the gently but firmly behind me.  From behind the frosted glass I could hear the doctor ranting about how they were always bombarding our minds, displacing our thoughts with theirs.

The thing was, I wasn't sure if he was talking about Democrats and Republicans or aliens.

My cell phone rang.

It was that special ring reserved for out of state political telemarketers.

Constantly bombarding our minds.  Replacing our thoughts with theirs.

Now that I think of it, how much difference is there between the thoughts of politicians and aliens?