Saturday, June 02, 2012

Twitter Buys SETI

The business community telegraphed their growing belief that Regulan candidate Quintelex might just be the next president of the United States by applauding Twitter's acquisition of the SETI program.

Most political pundits have poo-poohed the Quintelex campaign, citing polls showing that the American people are not ready for a president who, although born during a short stop in the state of Kansas where his parents were attending the Crop Circle Festival, is clearly alien.

Still, Quintelex struggles on in the face of such prejudice.

By Twitter acquiring the SETI program, the trend-setting social communications company could be saying that the American people are more open to alien interface than jaded Democrats and Republicans  realize.

"But why acquire SETI?" this reporter asked the CEO of Twitter.  

He smiled indulgently at my mystification.  Later, I would wonder if "mystification" was actually a word.

"The radio signals monitored by the SETI program might contain intelligent discourse," he said gently.

I was confused.

"So you have a personal interest in the search for intelligent life among the stars?"

"In a way."

"Does this mean," I asked, "that you've been unable to find intelligent life in Twitter Tweets?"

He began to pluck at his fingernails, as though trying to torture himself.

"Have you ever tried reading Tweets day in, day out looking for something more intelligent than, 'I love the new iPhone', or 'Eminem's too old' or how many 'K's" in  Gaga?'"

I saw his point.

"There's another thing," he said.  "The EPA is changing the classification of Twitter Tweets from non-toxic household waste to HAZARDOUS.  The Surgeon General has determined that they're toxic to our brains.  That means we have to find a way to dispose of them; the EPA won't allow us to just litter the web with them anymore."

This reporter finally saw the "why."

"So you're jumping on the Quintelex campaign bandwagon to convince him to open up Space as the new electronic hazardous waste dumping ground?  Since Tweets have no redeeming social value and worse are now considered toxic, you want to get rid of them by broadcasting them into space?  And in return, you'll support his candidacy, is that it?"

He put his hand on my shoulder.

"Look," he said, "the entire universe sends us their incomprehensible white noise, why can't we send some back?  SETI's been monitoring their electronic refuse for years.  Time for them to share the pain.  We'll donate cash to Quintelex's campaign if the Regulan team will support the new law allowing us to re-locate Toxic Tweets into deep space."

"Re-locate is a polite word for 'dump,' isn't it?"

"Now you're learning," he said.

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