Can't a Monster Get Respect Anymore?

It's True. They Love You on Venus

Georgi did not see the blow coming.

One of Ricci’s hands buried itself in the hair that ringed his baldness, tearing the roots and causing blood to trickle down his neck like raindrops sliding down window glass. Ricci’s other hand slapped him across the face so hard that Georgi was actually blind for a moment. His knees buckled and he crumpled to the floor like a cheap card table.
Through a cotton wall, Georgi heard Mr. Chirac say, “Help him up, Ricci. My coffee approaches room temperature and I will not tolerate that.”

excerpted from "Counter Creatures," by Ferrel D. Moore

A friend once questioned the need for monsters, pointing out that people are the greater danger. Fear the vampire, or fear those who create and deploy the atomic bomb? Just try stopping a nuclear detonation with garlic and a cross. And nuclear weapons don't fear the sun, they re-create it right here on earth. Why is it, then, that all cultures still have and cherish their monsters? And, before we go any further, are monsters real or imaginary? Are they metaphors, vehicles for propogandizing world views, social and psychological whining about our insecurities and fears, or are they real?

Are monsters real or psychological metaphors? A psychologist once explained to me why he went with the metaphor theory. "Look," he said. "Vampires have no reflection. That's because if they did, what would be reflected in the mirrors we are so afraid to look in would be our own monstrous souls." It was an interesting thought. I would give it more credence if he hadn't moved to Arkansas after undergoing survivalist training since he was certain that civilization would collapse under the weight of the Y2K computer glitch. In our last correspondence he was exploring the idea of using his swimming pool as a pure water resevoir if he could just convince geese flying over his house to quit using it as an outdoor potty.

Are monsters real or an invention of Christianity and the Western Military Industrial Complex? Cryptozoologists, legitamite paranormal researchers, serious occult scientists, and good looking women who work at the CIA tire quickly of the modern trend of using monsters to advance political and social agendas. The problem is that people whose every moment of existence is wrapped in self-aggrandized politicization frequently cannot see themselves as the very monsters they are chasing. This is not fair to serious monsters or serious monster hunters. Vampires, Bigfoot, and Werewolves cry out, grunt, and even howl for attention. How can we hope to focus on gathering evidence for the reality of these traditional monsters with so much attention being lavished on Sarah Palin comedy skits on Saturday night live? What could be more terrifying that Barack Obama versus John McCain in their YouTube Dance-Off?

Dracula is seen by some as the ultimate social statement of class exploitation. From this perspective, Dracula himself loses top billing as a kick-ass supernatural monster of the night. He is actually a member of the degenerate, inbred aristocracy draining the lifeblood (money, food, healthcare, livestock and opera tickets) of the poor. Kind of Oscar Wilde with an even worse wardrobe, but a better reputation. Van Helsing's litany of vampire lore pales and is actually sort of embarassing to quote when we can instead analyze The Count with a Marxian dialectic. In fact, using this method, the only thing worse for Dracula's image would be to view him as not only an aristocrat, but as a capitalist as well. But we can transcend even that seeminly insurmountable pinnacle of horror by re-making him into an Aristocratic American Capitalist. Truly we have now created the ultimate, blood-sucking evil! Whew. That was a bit of work, wasn't it? But in the meantime, have we really given thought to how this approach makes Count Dracula himself feel? What happens to his self esteem?

Once again, we have to result to the art of channeling to get answers to these questions:

*****

Your Channeling Correspondent: Count, how does all of this use of your personhood to promote political and social agendas make you feel about yourself?

Spirit of Count Dracula: It's hard to feel good about yourself when your reduced to a metaphor for socialist or capitalist propogandists.

Your Channeling Correspondent: But?

Spirit of Count Dracula: I don't want to say it...

Your Channeling Correspondent: You're among friends here. We feel your paranormal pain.

Spirit of Count Dracula: It's like Dr. Phil says- it's not about me.

Your Channeling Correspondent: Doesn't that make you feel better?

Spirit of Count Dracula: You've got to be kidding. Doesn't anyone care about me amymore? What happened to me being the King Vampire and all that jack? Seriously? I was it. I was feared by everyone. The bats and those creepy spiders and even those freaking wolves had to do what I said. I was The Man. You know what I mean? The fog rolled out when I blew my nose. And now I'm just a metaphor for an Aristocratic American Capitalist? What's next? Do I have to become a metrosexual, too?

Your Channeling Correspondent: We'll get back to you on that.

Spirit of Count Dracula: Wait, don't go. I feel so down on myself now that I can't look in the mirror anymore- I'm afraid I'll see a metaphor.

*****

Monsters as Fabio and Scarlett Johannsen Envy surrogates also denigrate the very meaning of monsterhood. No respecting werewolf wants to be judged on their pectorals. Yet male vampires and werewolves alike have been driven to hard-core power lifting so that monster hunters in today's hectic world do no overlook them just because they are not hardbodied. Female monster without curves and full lips are similarily disdained. This is probably a direct result of the invasion of romance writers. Genghis Khan was less accomplished in taking over territory than Laurell K. Hamilton and Stephanie Meyers. What does the emphasis on looks, muscularity, pouty lips and dramatic pose do to the very concept of a being a monster? What have these romance writers done to the reality of monsters? And how does this make these monsters feel about themselves?

Many people have asked me over the years why it is that it is so difficult to gather hard core scientific proof for the existence of vampires, werewolves, and even zombies- not to mention scouring the planet in a quest to end Americo-ethno-centricity and open the world's consciousness to monsters in other lands and cultures. Here's the answer to that challenging question (minus the America is too inbred to think internationally since that is best answered by famed monster hunters Pat Buchanan and Al Franken):

Romance writers have driven monsters underground. Monsters are by definition (most of them), not all that good looking. A werewolf, for example, has a face only a mother could love. A zombie has a face only a tribe of maggots wants to get close to. So the monsters hide. They don't feel good about themselves. Their self esteem suffers because there's only so far a makeover can go. And monsters have seen the covers of books. Vampires like to hang out in bookstores to find someone they can score a pint of blood from. Readers are their type of people. But when vampires see the images modern paranormal romance writers demand they maintain- the wind-blown hair styles, the perfectly white, straight teeth, the stunning bone structure and not a pound, not an ounce, not a gram of excess body weight- well, they just fade away back into the night and chase squirrels. They just don't have the Hollywood looks romance writers are demanding. Their self esteem has been shattered.

So, we conclude by admitting that it is difficult today to scientifically validate the existence of monsters because they are hiding. They are hiding because of these three reasons: they are ashamed of being used as metaphors, they are embarassed at being used by self-stroking polical and social propogandists, and, last but not a cliched least, they have been humiliated by the romance writers turning them into fictionally sexually attractive beings that they can never be in real life. I will never, ever forget looking through my military binoculars one windy day, and seeing a bigfoot holding up a sign on a far away hill that read "I don't feel good about my weight."

He Gets More Respect Than Monsters